Aside

Things are very different for me.  I have a desire to start blogging again but the things I have a desire to blog about are quite different from the things I have blogged about here in the past.  My life has changed and is continuing to change.  Stay tuned. 

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Onward and Upward!

I feel great! After 10 hours of spiritual (and temporal) instruction this weekend,  I am ready to recommit and double my efforts.  I can find true peace and happiness.  The trick is keeping myself on this high without falling flat.  It seems like all of us in recovery have high highs and very low lows.  If I do the things needed (prayer, dailies, recovery work ..ect) I will succeed!  Lets do this!     

Still Here

I don’t want to be one of those people that starts a blog just to abandon it after two or three posts. Here’s my excuse….get ready for it…… here it comes…. I have been too busy! Ha. But really though, the last few weeks have been busy. That’s not to say I couldn’t have blocked out sometime to blog because I totally could of. I just didn’t. But I am doing well. Here are a few of the good things that have happened since I posted last;

Meet with the Bishop and told him I was ready for the Sacrament. (He agreed)

Was able to attend a Sealing in the SLC Temple.

Was able to attend a new PASG meeting and being inspired by some new people.

Had a stint of really good connection with my wife (that has since passed, but still)

Had some great talks with a close friend about the nature of sexual addiction.

I am still on the path of lasting recovery.

Dear Addict

As I continue down my path of recovery, I become more and more aware that I am broken.  There are days when I don’t put as much effort into my recovery as I should. My prayers are not that sincere, I read instead of study, I wear my pride on my sleeve like a badge of honor. Then there are days that my recovery really advances.  In these beginning stages of recovery I am still trying to expose the roots of my problems and with everyday of advancement I remove a certain amount of earth (dirt, rock, clay and if I’m lucky, mud) from my addiction infrastructure.  Here is what I have learned so far:

I have low self esteem. 

I am arrogant. 

My testimony is weak. 

I love instant gratification. 

I have zero patience.   

I am selfish. 

I don’t listen well. 

I don’t follow through. 

I procrastinate.  A lot.  

…. and the list gets longer everyday.  I don’t necessarily do every one of these things daily, but if I am lucky I experience the magic at least 4 or 5 per day.  I don’t bring these things up as a way to beat myself down or to feel sorry for myself, but this is what I am working with. These are the things I need to rid my life of.  

I chose to ease my burden with pornography.  I felt that instead of figuring out how to truly better my life and find lasting happiness, I would just put a put a band-aid on it.  “Tomorrow will be easier” I would tell myself.  “I cant go on feeling like this forever”, but I just keep falling lower and lower.  Taking steps that moved me further and further away from reality.  I am done with that. I am changing.   Here is a letter I wrote to my addict self (an exercise in Lifestar). 

Dear Addict, 

Where to begin.  I guess I will start with this simple statement, I am learning to live without you.   You have been constantly at my side since I can remember.  You have allowed me to mask my pain time and time again, but I am writing you today to tell you I don’t want that anymore.  I want to face the world head on, knowing that my lord and savior are on my side and that I don’t need any more of your masking agents.  You have done things for me that I have never had to do for myself.  You have attempted to ease my pain, but in reality, you have only stunted my growth.  I am doing those things for myself now.  I am seeing my life for what is and making clear concise decisions on where I want it to go.  I know you can never truly go away, so I won’t ask you to.  But you just need to know that I am getting stronger every day. With every victory, you lose strength and will slowly shrink into virtual nothingness

The Sacrament

I have partaken of the sacrament unworthily many many times. I dare say that I have partaken more times unworthily than I have worthily.  That is a sobering thought.  My life had been so ensconced in lies, that I was wiling to risk damnation rather than lose face in front of others. Reprehensible.

I am still not cured of my fear of man.

Our ward has virtually zero youth, so the Melchizedek priesthood passes the sacrament.  The moment I sit down, my mind automatically start figuring out which passer is going to be ours and whether or not he has passed to me since October. Whether or not he knows I don’t currently take the sacrament.   It really should be no concern of mine.  The thoughts that should be garnishing my mind are the pains I have caused others by my action.  That is not to say I don’t feel those, I simply think those should be my first and dominating thoughts, not what person is going to judge me. I plan on doing a better job of this next week.

Today during the sacrament, (after my ritualistic idiocracy) I began examining the words to the prayers and seeing if my current actions are in harmony with it.  The line that stuck out to me most was to “always remember him”. I questioned myself and my current level of remembrance.  I am doing a much better job at this then I ever did over the coarse of my life, but there is still work to do.  I think that is just the nature of true discipleship.  The closer we draw to the lord, the more we see our flaws and the understanding of our need for him deepens.  I am on the right path

My bishop has put the decision of when I take the sacrament again in my hands.  He doesn’t have a specific time in mind, just when I feel like I am ready.  I think a specific time would be easier.   But I guess this path isn’t about what is easy.

My Story (short version)

Hello, My pseudo name is Julian, but my friends call me Jules ( I don’t actually have any friends that know this pseudo name yet, but when I get some, I hope they will call me Jules). I very excited about the prospect of blogging about my life as it pertains to my recovery. For the past few months I have been reading here a lot, and for the past few weeks I have been reading here even more. I have gleaned so much strength from these sites and am very appreciative of everyone’s willingness to share. I hope to give a little back with this blog.

Here is my story (fact style):

I am an aspiring disciple of Jesus Christ (lds).

I am a Father and Husband.

I had my first exposure to Pornography at age 6.

I discovered masturbation 11.

I discovered cyber sex at age 15.

I straightened up enough to go on a mission, but I never really recovered from my addiction.

I masturbated to online porn 3 days after come home from said mission.

I meet my wife 5 months after coming home.

We engaged to marry after 4 months.

I half heartily disclosed to her my “past” problem with pornography.

We married 4 months later.

I began looking viewing pornography with in months of being sealed in the temple.

I began chatting online shortly after that.

I came clean to her (on my own accord) 3 years into our marriage.

I began acting out again with in weeks.

I got much better at hiding it.

I began taking my online chatting to next level (phone calls and texts)

On October 7, 2012 my wife found a string of text messages on my phone.

I disclosed everything to her again.

I have been physically sober since that day, but am realizing my problems are very deep rooted.

I want to change.

I want to be the Disciple, Priesthood bearer, Man, Husband, Father, Son, and Friend I know I can be.